i went to the mall this weekend. you walk in and feel the cool, stale air waft through the electric doors. you let the clothing chemical smell wash over you which triggers the shopping neurons in your brain to start firing overtime.

all the stores beckon for your attention. brightly colored sale banners and scantily clad models showcasing the latest trends are all vying for you and you alone. gap, dillards, lerner, bebe (yeah, right!) don their best to entice you into their fashionable arms.

unless you’re pregnant. then the fashionistas of the world (and mall) give you their collective finger and sashay in the other direction. you, or me as the case was, in the meantime, are left to scrap together what little dignity i have left and head for the one store in the mall that will cater to my girth.

one. one measly little store. that’s it. albeit, from the raves i hear from mommies of yore, the selection these days is out of this world, i’m still in shock over how small the selection truly is. and don’t even start patronizing me with raves over target and old navy. puh-lease. their maternity selections, which seem expansive when you’re not actually in the market, once you are, aren’t really that big. old navy was generous enough to carve out an eight by twelve nook in their kids section for moms-to-be, but i’m still reeling from the fact that there really is a woefully inadequate selection of stores, and clothing in those few stores, available.

which brings me back to the mall. i’m in THE ONE’S dressing room with five pairs of pants and overalls. now to refresh your memory, i’m short. petite. height challenged. pick one. the point is, “normal” pants do not fit me. if ONLY i were the 5′9″ i dreamed about in grade school, maybe then i would fit into three of those pants who had enough length on them for me to use the extra for a matching belt. and another thing. sizes? they come in small, medium, and large. since when does anyone buy pants in small, medium, or large?

i was feeling a little bit of a maternity clothes neophyte, partly because i’m JUST beginning to show and i’ve never gone shopping for this kind of thing, when i asked my friend ashley what she thought of the pants i had on. her straight face lasted about two seconds. when she busted out laughing, i realized that i was not crazy in thinking that the store’s idea of small was nowhere near my body’s idea. i mean, are you really supposed to have the crotch hanging down to your knees? i know i’m ghetto-fabulous and all, but i have to draw the line at my work clothes.

so after an hour of trying on clothes, which is unheard of for me, by the way, i walked away with a pair of clearance shorts, two pairs of work pants, and a sweater. the work pants will double nicely as a tube top, considering the waist almost hits my sternum. *sigh*

how has this happened? how have the women, the mothers, of this world not spoken out in greater numbers? where are the marches? the speeches? the crossfire debates? why must we suffer? is this yet another way to prepare us for the impending doom of motherhood? i smell a fashion uprising coming on.

if carrie on sex and the city had been preggo instead of miranda, who knows what the couture possibilities could be. sassy little maternity bustiers and prada nursing tops would be just the beginning.

but no, miranda ruined it for all of us. thanks a lot.

so when you see me out schlepping in my muumuu, do not be alarmed. do not be surprised.

just tell me how cute my shoes are.