The Not-So-Secret Life of Fargo
fargo’s licking himself at the moment. again. you’d think for someone who spends so much time on cleaning his groin, it would be sparkly clean. not so.
and his breath. ugh. reason #52 why i’m going to brush his teeth this weekend. how excited do you think he’ll be about that? probably not much.
this is the most activity he’s had in the last ten hours. he’s probably exhausted. when we leave for work, he creeps up to his new spot. the third floor.
the freakin’ third floor guest bed is my dog’s new hang out. there’s nothing about the words “third floor” that screams “guard dog,” is there? i didn’t think so. so while we slave away at our jobs, our little precious is wallering all over the down comforty goodness of the guest bed. i apologize to all future guests, in advance.
if you can imagine his daily schedule, i’m sure it looks somthing like this:
7:00–go to the bathroom and wander aimlessly in the yard until female provider yells at me
7:05–eat grass until female provider yells at me again
7:07–poop and then race inside
7:08-10–beg for cereal leftovers from female provider
7:11–realize there’s nothing interesting in my bowls and head upstairs to watch male provider sleep in
7:12-30–spoon with male provider until he shuts off the snooze alarm
7:30-45–lick self on male provider’s pillow
7:45–get kicked out of providers’ bedroom and stare blankly at male provider while he puts the couch cushions up (bastard) and leaves house
7:46–look out female provider’s office window to make sure male provider is leaving
7:47–watch male provider’s car drive away
7:48–creep up to the guest room, jump on bed, execute one full turn, and curl up on left pillow
8:00–yawn and adjust head
10:30–wake up for a brief foot licking session
11:00–stop licking feet and move to blank area where testicles used to be
11:30–nibble on leg
11:32-2:30–sleep in middle of the bed
2:31–briefly raise one eye to listento the sound of the mailman drop off mail or a burglar trying to get into the house
2:32–both eyes open, no noise, must have been the mailman
2:33-4:45–chase squirrels and tennis balls, bite smaller dogs, and howl at nothing which wakes me up from dream because i’m really howling
4:47–food and shelter providers return and i wait until they find me on the bed until i get up.
all this on the third floor.
maybe that’s why humans like dogs so much. they represent the lifestyle we can only dream for ourselves. better living through sleeping and licking.
sign me up.