highly trained and a cold tactician, ella is the “SLEEP NINJA.”
every night, a fierce battle ensues between the forces of good and evil. ella bravely battles the cruel tyrant, sleep, that tries to lull her into his deathly trance. oh, he and his goons are no match for her battle-hardened ways.
karate chop to sleep’s forehead, hi-yah! roundhouse to his gut, ohh. wax-on, wax-off sleep’s mesmerizing stare.
Episode One: Whitaker Music Festival by Ella Faw
sleep’s loyal henchmen, my parents, craftifly put me in my stroller, knowing i would succumb to the gentle rock of this sleep snare. my guard was down and i was under its influence for a good hour before i was able to free myself of its unnatural bonds.
oh, my captors were mildly surprised at my comeback, but i had more in store for them a little later. i sat with them and their cohorts for about a half an hour. they thought i was merely enjoying their company, but really i was doing some serious recon. from each captor’s lap i could survey their encampment and work the peripheral crowds to my advantage.
slowly but surely, i felt sleep’s omnipresence. i tried engaging my captors to keep myself distracted while he hovered. i watched them stuff their faces with cheese, crackers, and wine; i posed for pictures, and blew bubbles with as much energy as i could. but to no avail.
sleep circled me like a vulture. i could not escape the menace in such open territory. i could no longer afford to play it cool; it was now time to do some serious sleep ass-kicking. i started off small, a few cries to get the captors’ attention. once in position of the female captor’s arms, i kicked it up a notch. i like to use the loud “wail” technique in public venues as it seems to get the better reaction out of sleep’s evil cohorts, my parental unit.
i was quickly whisked away for what is known in many sleep ninja circles as the “sleep walk.” this is where the desperate sleep mediator will put its victim in the horizontal “sleeper hold” and bounce, swing, and rock while walking at a leisurely pace. this is one of their most successful tactics, but i was not falling for their amateur hour routine. my wailing had managed to scare off daddy, my male captor, and now i was in the hands of sleep’s second-in-command, mommy.
she is a wily one, not to be trusted. her dark arts are learned from other females who pass their torture techniques on from generation to generation. although she had won many of our battles in the past, this is where she made her mistake. she was too confident and i saw my advantage and pressed it.
i took my “wail” up to “glass-shattering scream” and added the dreaded “psuedo-hyperventilating” move. she tried all her tricks in rapid-fire succession: rocking, singing, patting, bouncing. i had the upper hand and she knew it. sleep had now backed way off and was considering his next move; meanwhile, i was digging in for the next round.
i had been taken to a darker, more secluded spot on the garden grounds. she must have been told that darkness would penetrate my defenses. maybe for some novice, but not for a black belt sleep ninja like myself. wrapped in darkness, i used every weapon psychological arson: drowsy eyes and silence. this lulled my nemesis right into the smug security position i wanted her in. then i engaged “glass-shattering scream” to level eight. she moved fast, practically ripping off her shirt to unleash her most reliable weapon: the booby. time and time again i had fallen for that same manuever, but not tonight.
i flailed, screamed, kicked, put sleep in a headlock and made it cry “uncle.” success was mine. i hope sleep and his flunkies learned not to mess with an experienced sleep ninja.
i pity the fool….