it’s been almost a week and she seems to be okay. institutionalized daycare has not permanently scarred the psyche of our daughter. yet. if anything, she seems perfectly oblivious to the fact that the people that work there look nothing like tony or i. and so far that doesn’t bother her.

not to say she isn’t happy to see us when we one of us picks her up in the evening. she flashes her gummy smile and takes her warbling up a notch. if she’s sitting in her chair with her back facing me when i come in, all i have to do is say her name, and she knows it’s my voice. she cranes her neck trying to find out where the voice is coming from. i’ve never felt so popular in all my life!

it is going well, though. which is why i don’t feel too guilty about not being a super mom and staying at home with her. because, believe me, i’ve been talked to by MANY women. and they all want to know the same thing: how are you holding up?

the first time i was asked this question, i didn’t know what she was talking about. huh? did some tragedy befall my family and no one tell me? what? oh, daycare! right. um. ella’s doing fine, soooo what’s the problem? the problem is is that as a new mother there are certain expectations placed upon me by other mothers. i’m not sure why, but i was supposed to be an emotional wreck. but i’m not. is that bad? am i supposed to hate every second away from my wonderful baby, center of my universe? of course i miss her, but i can still carry on with my day knowing that she’s in good hands.

is that okay? am i not supposed to feel fine? it seems like i shouldn’t. then i feel guilty, like i’m some neglector that giddily dumps her child off at some random daycare center to go about her life of leisure and frivolity. but i’m not. i go to work. and i actually love my job. maybe that’s why i don’t feel guilty. in the latest version of this conversation, the other mother said she lasted a month at her job after her baby was born, she couldn’t stand being away. i’ve met her child. i’m not so sure i wouldn’t want a break from the kid. but that’s just me.

and that’s the crappy guilt cycle working mothers put themselves in. work and feel guilty about it, or not “work” and feel guilty about it.

i’m choosing neither. because really, i get the best of both worlds: much appreciated time with other humans that can form complete thoughts and summers, holidays, and all days in between to hang out with my favorite ella.

so i guess i’m holding up just fine. thanks for asking.

happy birthday to you, ella baby. saturday is the fifth month of you’ve graced us with your presence. it’s been quite a trip and i thought i’d write you a little letter to chronicle what’s been happening in the time you’ve been around.

this month has flown by. you’ve grown so much in the past few weeks. i look back at your newborn pictures and i giggle. you looked so new, all pudgy headed, complete with a red ribbon taped to your little turnip head.

in the past month you’ve gotten a tooth! i can’t believe you have a tooth already. and you didn’t even cry or fuss about it. you’re such a trooper! and so happy. even when you’re miserable, i can still get a gummy grin out of you. everyone, even the little old lady at the dollar store, says how cute you are. of course, i have to agree. i think there’s another tooth coming in next to your current chiclet. tonight you had a bit of a low-grade fever (awww, your first), most likely from all the tooth action you’ve had. i gave you lots of extra kisses tonight (and some pain reliever), so i hope that helped.

you’ve been busy learning new things this month, too. today you surprised me with a gurgle. you seemed pretty impressed with yourself. you kept it up for several minutes. you seem like you’ve just noticed your tongue and the gurgling was part of your discovery. it was quite cute.

and lately, you’ve had this creepy fascination with your hands. it’s finally sunk in that those flappy things connected to your arm are yours. you’ve taken to s-l-o-w-l-y waving your one hand b-a-c-k and f-o-r-t-h in a pageant-esque fashion. it’s pretty funny, but you seem so mesmerized by it, i feel bad laughing at you.

a few days ago i said your name and you looked at me. i was so excited that you knew your name. i proudly told your daddy all about it. of course he tried to duplicate it but you completely ignored him. just like i taught you to. heh, heh. but now you ignore me too, so i think that one time was just a fluke.

on the food front, you’ve been eating rice and mixed grain cereal for a few weeks now. poor kid. it’s painfully bland and you make the most pathetic faces when you discover the slop you were hoping was coq au vin is actually mushy, paper towel-tasting nast. you did, however, thoroughly enjoy the sweet peas baby food we gave you two weeks ago. your first reaction looked like you were realllly trying to figure out what was in your mouth. then you decided that you didn’t care because it tasted so yummy. you would through out an impatient cry for me to keep shoveling it your mouth. i’ll admit the pictures we have of you with green smear all over your mouth look gross, but you were pretty cute regardless.

speaking of food, that brings me to poop. you make the FUNNIEST face when you poop. your eyes get all wide and you stare out into space. you look like you’re REALLY concentrating on something. you’re eyes water, get all red, and then it’s done. whew! time for daddy to change your diaper! now that you’re eating cereal, you’re a little constipated, but you FINALLY pooped tonight, so mommy was quite happy. it’s amazing what makes me happy these days….

you’re still hanging on to the sleep ninja title. you sleep like a champ until about midnight. then you’re up three or more times until you wake up at six. you’re killing me softly with insomnia. mommy is fighting back. hello ferber method! just remember, mommy really does love you. almost as much as she loves sleep. we have three days of sleep bootcamp to look forward to. beginning tonight. wish me luck!

summer’s officially over and now it’s on to daycare. you’ve logged in two successful days at your daycare already. the nice thing is you seem completely unfazed by the whole thing. i’ve dropped you off both mornings and you smile to your caregivers and it’s no tears. mommy who? when i picked you up today, you were on the verge of a nap, and i caught you snuggling with one of the ladies. i was a little jealous, i’ll admit it. but i know you’re getting good care, and that i can take you home and do all the snuggling, toe kissing, zerbert, peek-a-booing i want.

anywho, mommy and daddy love you soooo much! and you’re the best thing to happen to us since, um, us! you’re our sweet baby and even though we’re starting to spend more time apart, that makes the time we spend together even that more special.

big hugs and smooches to my big girl, your mommy forever,

dawn