i think the older i get, the more slightly morbid and paranoid i become. i have so many things to obsess over. many of which will probably never occur, but that doesn’t mean i don’t give them ample time to chew on.

a mere scant of my phobias are as follows:

1. earthquakes

i live in the new madrid fault line. i never really thought about it until about ten years ago some fame whore scientist predicted (wrongly, of course) that a significant seismic event was going to strike. there were drills, emergency kits, news reports on news reports, all feeding the fear. i didn’t think much on it then until katrina. now i’m all natural disaster hyped because i think we’re next. and then i think about how long of a commute i have to work and all the bridges i cross and if an earthquake hit how could i get back home if those bridges weren’t there. and tony? he works in a high rise. and ella? can’t go there because it freaks me out just kind of thinking about it. the other night i actually divulged my paranoia to tony and made him map out an escape route if we happen to be at home if an earthquake struck. poor tony. he just wants to sleep and i’m rehearsing disaster response strategies.

2. airplanes

i used to love flying. we’d pack, put on our best traveling outfits, and head to somewhere more exciting than missouri. i loved the g-force of take off and landings, the little bag of peanuts, and the thrill of watching a movie. on an airplane! now, i’m freaked out. any time we fly, i feel like it’s going to fall out of the sky. i don’t get sick or anything, just freaked. to any casual observer, i’m just really engrossed in the flight magazine. but really i’m checking out the plane make and model, configuring escape routes, going over what i’d do in the last few seconds before impact. i know, it’s sick, but i can’t help it. we flew a few months ago and when we bought our tickets online, we could choose which plane we wanted to fly there and back. unfortunately, the airline only had a crop duster for the last leg of our journey. it barely qualified for a plane. on the website they had all these pictures of their fleet and there, listed according to size, second to last, was the plane we’d be trusting our lives and our child’s to. i was not happy. i actually cried. it was sooooo pathetic and tony dutifully tried to get us seats on a different flight. no luck. just us and the other poor saps that were foolish enough to trust our lives to the aluminum and bondo contraption they called an aircraft. the plane was pitifully small and an embarrassment to aerospace, but it got us in one piece to our destination in such a timely fashion i barely had time to go through my flight crash check list before we landed.

3. ella

nothing makes you feel more incompetant and helpless than a child. ella’s just gotten over being dreadfully sick two weeks ago and there wasn’t much i could do for her other than hold her hair back while she puked. it was like college all over again! she was so listless and just kept puking. and crying. and puking. and crying. i felt so bad for her but there wasn’t much i could do except hold her and suction the snot out of her nose.

the worst part was when she fell asleep and then woke up puking. but she really hadn’t woken up yet. she was just laying there puking and choking. i can’t remember a time i ran up the stairs faster. i picked her up and turned her over, allowing her to spew freely, and tried not let my freaking-outedness come to the surface. another change of jammies and a fresh set of sheets later, we were both ready for bed.

babies are a whole new ball of disaster. so many potential pitfalls of illness, rebellion, and otherwise untimely events i don’t even want to pretend not to think about. if dealing with her sickness was any indication, tony and i are in for some real fun.

so i’ll be here, safely stationed on my couch blogging. or surfing the infant cpr sites. or brushing up on my survival skills.

the thirteenth is your nine month birthday. too bad you’ve been sick for two days. we’ve been hanging out at home together chasing the snot fairy away. man, has she ever done a number on you. her and the fever monkey have been dancing on your head for hours now. but don’t worry, daddy’s up there right now trying desperately to make you stop crying and fall back asleep. you have a tendency of freaking your daddy out, so go easy on him.

we’ve had a lot of quality time the past two days. you, crying and snotting. me, going to my happy place. today you were crabby pretty much all day. all day long. every waking moment of sad baby. it sucked. daddy did manage to call right when i put you to sleep. we answered the phone together to let him know how happy we were that he called.

probably the best part of the day, however, was when you threw up in my lap. mmmm, warm puke. that’s the last time i’ll squeeze you after a bottle. maybe.

other than that, not much new this month. other than the new teeth, incisors and the two top front teeth. very cool. but the little gap between the top two is yet another gift from your father. i’m sorry, there’s nothing i can do for it right now. but it is kinda cute. it offsets your crazy hair quite nicely.

fast forward to saturday: this week has pretty tough on the whole for you though. poor kid. you were kinda sick on monday, sick on tuesday, a little better on wednesday, sick at daycare on thursday, and sick at home with daddy thursday and friday. and by sick i mean puke and phlegm and snot and crying and double ear infections. my poor boo-boo. thankfully the puking seems to have subsided. now we’re trying to get you back up to your fighting weight in time for your next doctor’s visit so they don’t start intravenously feeding you. it was fun while it lasted, but i’m glad it’s over.

otherwise, you’re still our hero. and just think, in three short months you’ll be one! yikes! but don’t worry, i’ve already started planning. how do pony rides sound?